It’s a new year, and in many ways, I’m already grateful to God for the things He is going to do. If I were still standing in the late months of 2014, I would have told you I desired nothing more than a good man who loves God and who will channel some of that love towards me. I’m going to be very transparent, because I know I am not the only woman who went through this in 2014.
Last year, I went through a breakup. Of course, it’s never easy and you’re always left wondering and rationalizing. I was filled with bitterness, sorrow, and longing for a good portion of the year. I wondered when I would feel different.
I can honestly say I didn’t rely solely upon God to heal me.
I in fact, grew colder and more subdued. I grew tight and built a wall around me. I’ve never felt such a harshness in me before that it scared me — to the point that I began to rely on myself to take it away. How? By finding a good man who loves God, who loves others, and who will love me. Yes, I was running to man.
So, during the last few months of last year, that was all I desired — a good and joyous relationship — one where he sees me as an equal, one where he treats me the way a woman should be treated, one where he uplifts me, one where he chooses to see the good in me and doesn’t try to mold me into someone that he wants me to be. Spiritually and physically.
Does that exist? Is that too much to ask in today’s society? These were questions I cried out to God last year. Then, God being God, revealed that He is all of these things and more. In the quietness of my being, I heard God whisper, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
During early January this year, I ended up giving up.
I gave up the ideal man in my head. I gave up the desire of wanting. I gave up my wall. I gave up my fear. I gave up my sorrow and my resentment. I gave up my own hurt.
God will not honor my desire because my desire was not honoring Him. It was to honor myself. To help me, myself, and I.
“Those who honor me I will honor.” 1 Samuel 2:30
So, I choose to honor God in my desire. Before the year counted down, I felt like He was clutching me so tightly — telling me, don’t let Me go this time, beloved.
“Then Jesus took her by the hand and said in a loud voice, ‘My child, get up!’” Luke 8:54
In His grace and mercy, He found me and brought me to Him completely humbled and naked and new.
“My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.” Psalm 25:15
The net is the web I created for myself — full of obligation, confusion, hurt, sorrow, romantic desire, fear, and torment. I could just see Satan dancing happily in the corner of my room; he nearly had me. I even stopped painting for five months. It was my dry spell.
“But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.” (Psalm 71:14)
This was my season of winter where — unbeknownst to me — God was still watering me. My noble, pure, lovely, jealous, and beautiful God was still watering me during my most trying season.
“I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever.” Psalm 86:12
I realized something scarily beautiful last year — by relying on my own strength, I can attest to the fact that it accomplished absolutely nothing. It only brought in waves of longing, loneliness, questions, depression, fear, and hopelessness. The opposite of God walked into every crevice of my being.
I started to fear who I was becoming, and therefore, was able to realize I didn’t want to become this person in 2015. So, I didn’t. I felt like Satan’s long arm unraveled itself from my body and fell to the ground like a limp snake.
I realized that giving up certain things is imperative to not only the dating scene, but to our personal and rich relationship with God. His character presses into mine and leaves no room for the characteristics of the enemy. One of which, is the tendency to rely upon myself and not God.
“So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” 1 Corinthians 3:7
Sometimes, it felt like the enemy completely pressed out God in certain moments — these were the scariest times of my life. There were times my body physically reacted in panic. This is not how God intended me to live.
I surrender my love life, my desire, my dreams, and my hopes to the God who can do so much more than I ever imagined. So, I choose His Word over superficiality. I seek God, not men. I choose the God who first chose me.
For 2015, let’s choose joy. Let’s choose God.
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20